i used to be a christian. and i know when i used to hear someone saying something like that i'd say to myself 'if they USED to be then they never really were'.
well that has changed. in the painful, terribly frustrating process of apostacy, i had to admit to myself that i was a liar. i was a liar because i displaced my own weakness, lack of self-control, guilt etc onto my environment. if my repressed sexuality had let itself loose onto some poor girlfriend, i would feel guilty afterwards and break-up with her, therefore displacing my sin onto her and ridding myself of it.
what happened when i became interested in studying other religions? well, i went to christian apologetics websites and gathered all the info on how wrong they were, making me feel so comfortable in the place i was. then when i took it a step further and decided to actually read up on some of these holy books myself i got scared. i picked up the book of mormon and read some into it. after a while the ideas and everything began infiltrating my thoughts and i felt a pull towards it so what did i do? i claimed it was satan clouding my vision of truth and i stopped reading it.
i went back to the safe websites where everything was already laid out right from wrong and i was happy. God was good. i was well-informed on those silly non-believers.
one time i threw out every objectionable movie i owned because i felt that i was giving 'the enemy' 'an open door' into my room.
you know what i realize now looking back?
when i picked up that book of mormon and felt swayed by it, it wasn't the devil, it was just new information that was being accepted by my thoughts because i was so weak-minded from accepting everything i was told.
i accepted everything without thinking critically and i loved it that way.
when you become this way you develop a fear of thinking because what happens if you come to the conclusion that something you believe is wrong? your life would be in shambles. and it was. it was in fucking shambles and it still is.
it's amazing what comes out of a christian's mouth when he's exhausted every catch phrase and christian living mantra he's read. he turns a shade of red from fear and frustration that his slogans aren't working effectively in the situation.
i know this because i lived it, and i see it still. in just about everyone. you can see it in their eyes. that blank, glossy "quiet knowing" in their eyes.
what i am trying to say here is that the term "stumbling block" is a defence mechanism. if something is hurting your relationship with God you write it off, citing that the world is infiltrating your thoughts and you shut it off. doubting is "encouraged" in christianity, they say, but you can't doubt TOO MUCH or else you'll give satan a foothold.
well let me tell you, and i say this with your benefit in mind,
that when you throw out a cd, burn concert tickets, because it is causing you to stumble you're only admitting to yourself that the weakness that christianity has nurtured your mind into, is laying down against the
"enemy". YOUR lack of self-control is displacing its own weakness onto the object that's threatening you. when you get rid of it, you feel better, safe. but the ideas contained within the object still exist, you just have refused to confront them.
maybe the bible is true, maybe it isn't but what i KNOW is that what i was is a LIAR and was living out a self-serving contradictory belief system.
so many christians tell me when i talk about this that you have to look at the belief system and you can't take christ's message from a representation of the church. i used to say that. well, the fucked up part is when THEY are the people i am talking about and they deny it within themselves. they couldn't possibly recognize that i would be talking about them because they are on the true narrow road and nothing i say will ever dissuade them of that.
one guy in the summer told me that he hadn't read very much of the bible but he felt, in his heart that Christianity was the truth. i shared the same belief once upon a time.
the bullshit in that is that many many religions claim their own version of 'just knowing' and that without education to back up what you believe you are truly lost because you have no backbone besides a feeling. people are comfortable in it though because they do have a quiet knowing and it assures them they're right, but what lies beneath is screaming at me that what they know is afraid, and if the truth was against their belief they would burn it down before they would believe (<<<a lyric from my band bradwell from a song called swat the wasp
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knowing what i know now, i couldn't possibly go back to the person i was. if that person is what is meant to be then fuck that. lazy minded, scape-goating liars shouldn't get to go to heaven.
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