Post by Ruby Soho on Nov 3, 2004 15:15:42 GMT -5
Sometimes when my life gets really stressful and shitty I think about why I let things get to the point they do. Why I allow the smaller things in life build up until I can't deal with them. When I think about it, there are so many things that happened in the past that made me think that my life was a disaster, but now when I think about them I laugh at how ridiculous they were.
I guess I worry too much about what people think of me sometimes. Not so much people I don't know, but those I do. I worry my parents will be disappointed in my actions, so I stress that they might find discover something about me that they dislike. I worry my sister will think that I am loser because I don't have the social life she did when she was my age. I worry that my friends will hate me if I don't call/email them often enough, or that they will stop loving me if I do something they don't agree with. I worry that my exboyfriend wasn't affected by us breaking up, that our relationship meant nothing to him. I worry that his actions now somehow are my fault because of us breaking up. I take responsibility for things I have no control over.
I finally realize all of this, but it is so difficult to change. I have lived a life where I was a mother to my older sister and to many of my friends, a life where my boyfriend was the most important thing in my life (even more than myself), a life where my parents were the be-all end-all and a life where I was never quite adequate. I want to change these things, and I try, but after close to 20 years of this sort of crap, no matter how much I want to have a different life, I can't drop it. So unless I become what I perceive to be a terrible person, I can't get past, well, my past. Is it so bad to need time to grow and to worry about myself for a bit?
I guess I worry too much about what people think of me sometimes. Not so much people I don't know, but those I do. I worry my parents will be disappointed in my actions, so I stress that they might find discover something about me that they dislike. I worry my sister will think that I am loser because I don't have the social life she did when she was my age. I worry that my friends will hate me if I don't call/email them often enough, or that they will stop loving me if I do something they don't agree with. I worry that my exboyfriend wasn't affected by us breaking up, that our relationship meant nothing to him. I worry that his actions now somehow are my fault because of us breaking up. I take responsibility for things I have no control over.
I finally realize all of this, but it is so difficult to change. I have lived a life where I was a mother to my older sister and to many of my friends, a life where my boyfriend was the most important thing in my life (even more than myself), a life where my parents were the be-all end-all and a life where I was never quite adequate. I want to change these things, and I try, but after close to 20 years of this sort of crap, no matter how much I want to have a different life, I can't drop it. So unless I become what I perceive to be a terrible person, I can't get past, well, my past. Is it so bad to need time to grow and to worry about myself for a bit?
